1000 miles in 2016!

So I obviously don't blog very often, but I have had enough people ask me about the details for my 1000 miles goal achievement that I thought it was time for a blog update.  But first, a quick summary of how I got into running.

As I mentioned in an earlier post (if I was blog savvy, I would link to that here, but I'm not, so look it up yourself), I started my weight loss journey by walking just 30 minutes a day.  I slowly added running into parts of those walks, until I was finally able to run around my neighborhood nonstop.  I ran my first 5K in November 2014!  While I was still doing workout videos and other forms of cardio, I felt like I got the best workout when I ran.  I kept increasing my mileage, then joined a friend who was training for a half marathon.  Since I was doing all the training anyway, I signed up for and ran my first half marathon in November 2015.  Definitely a huge thrill and accomplishment!

Finishing my first half marathon, November 2015

TIP #1...IF YOUR GOAL DOESN'T SCARE YOU, IT'S NOT BIG ENOUGH.  When that half marathon was over, I was still running, but realized that I needed a new goal to be working towards to keep me motivated.  One of my good friends from college, Erin (Cleveringa) Rylaarsdam, is a big runner and she posted that she was going to try and run 1000 miles in 2016.  I did the math and realized that would be a little over 19 miles a week.  I was already consistently running 18-20 a week, so I thought that would be a goal that was big, but achievable.  For any goal you set, I think it's important to have it just big enough to scare you, but obviously be realistic and don't set a 1000 mile goal if you haven't run more than 5 miles a week before.  (Sometime late this year, my husband and I figured out that 1000 miles is almost exactly the distance between our home in Rossville, GA and Orange City, IA, where I went to college.  Crazy, huh?)

TIP #2...HAVE A GOOD PLACE TO LOG YOUR MILES.  Right away, I started researching how to run 1000 miles in a year, and I found an awesome website that I used every day this past year:  https://www.1000milechallenge.com/#!/  (Hey I figured out how to add a link after all!)  What I loved most about this website was that after I logged my miles, it would update and tell me how many miles I needed to average to reach my goal.  This was HUGE for me!  I knew that there would be weeks that I wasn't able to get in as many miles as others, but I didn't want to get too far behind, so watching that average really helped keep me on track.

I also logged my miles on http://www.dailymile.com/.  This site was better for keeping track of my training history -- I could sort and see how many miles I had run by week, month, etc.  Erin also used this website, so we were able to see each other's workouts and comment/encourage each other.  I'm going to keep using this website, so if any of you join, add me as a friend!

In addition to these two websites, I also made a countdown to check off once I hit 900 miles.  I found so much satisfaction in adding those miles and crossing off those boxes!

TIP #3...ADD EXTRA MILES WHERE YOU CAN.  When I first started out the year, I was still doing a lot of strength training and circuit workouts.  But after I would finish a circuit, then I would do a couple of miles on the treadmill, just to get in some more miles.  And there were many times throughout the year that I would tell myself that if I did one extra mile, then I would reward myself with something later.  

100 miles down, 900 to go.  Shout out to Planet Fitness treadmills!

TIP #4...ACCOUNTABILITY, ACCOUNTABILITY, ACCOUNTABILITY.  So I'm probably "that girl" who overshares on Facebook.  And I'm sure that many of my friends were tired of seeing my running posts over the past year.  But it was really good for me to put that goal out there publicly, because more people would know if I didn't achieve it!  I'm pretty sure that if it was just a goal that I had kept to myself, I never would have made it.

I also found some amazing women to run with, both for my regular weekday runs and my longer Saturday runs.  Angie and I didn't know each other well at all when she first asked to go for a run with me in March, but we hit it off and now she's one of my closest friends.  We would run together at 5:00AM about three days a week, and we would join the Christian Runners group at the battlefield on Saturday mornings.  I don't mind running by myself, but it is definitely more enjoyable when running with these ladies!  And Angie just did a great job of knowing my goal and adjusting her plans to make sure I got my miles in.  I know I could not have achieved this goal without her!

Angie and me on an early morning run, after I hit 300 miles on May 11.

My running group after we finished the Dalton Half Marathon in October.

TIP #5...GET A FOAM ROLLER.  Seriously, these things are amazing and can work wonders to loosen up your body and work out tight muscles.

TIP #6...SIGN UP FOR RACES.  In 2016, I ran three different half marathons -- one in July, one in October and one in November.  I love half marathons!  I love the anticipation and preparation leading up to it, I love the physical and mental battles you have to fight when running, I love the feeling of crossing the finish line, and I even love the medals and free "swag" you get from the races.  Running those half marathons kept me motivated to get in my long runs each week, while also giving me things to look forward to in my training.

Braving the cold to come cheer for Mommy at the Battlefield Half.
(Kennedy didn't want her picture taken.)

TIP #7...DON'T FORGET HOW TAPERING AFFECTS YOUR MILEAGE.  One of the mistakes that I did make this year is that I didn't realize how tapering in prep for a half marathon would affect my weekly mileage.  It was kind of frustrating to realize that even though I would be running 13 miles at the race on Saturday, I had an overall lower week of miles because of tapering.  Similarly, I didn't get in as many miles the week before (more taper) and the week after (rest/recover).  I remember not getting in as many miles back in February and March, thinking I'd easily make those up in the fall with my half marathons...but that was more difficult with those taper weeks.

Finishing the Burn Your Half Off in July

Angie and me after the Chickamauga Battlefield Half in November

TIP #8...REMEMBER THIS GOAL MAY COMPETE WITH OTHER GOALS.  I was disappointed with my finish times at my half marathons this fall, but I realized that I had been so focused on the quantity of miles I was getting in that I hadn't been focusing on increasing my speed, adding extra hill workouts, keeping up with my strength training and making healthy eating choices.  I was just so focused on the one goal of hitting 1000 miles for this year -- and that's okay, but now I want to set some new goals and adjust my workouts for the coming year.  Time to bring back the burpees!

My selfie with a deer on one of my runs.
Nothing to do with what I'm writing about, but it's one of my favorite pictures, so I had to include it.

TIP #9...WORKING TOWARDS 1000 MILES IS A LOT LIKE RUNNING A HALF MARATHON.  I realized that this year was very similar to some of my races.  I started off very motivated and was adding extra miles and running a lot and started off at a faster "pace" than needed.  Then there was a long stretch where things were just kind of mindless...I settled into a good rhythm and just kept running, letting my body do what it was trained to do.  But then there was a stretch this fall where I felt like setting this 1000 mile goal was the dumbest thing I could have done.  I hated running, my body was falling apart and I felt like giving up.  I have felt that same thing around miles 10-12 in a half marathon race! 

After I ran 11 miles on a morning when I REALLY didn't feel like it.

But...if you just keep persevering in a race, mile 13 can be a lot of fun.  And that's what December was like for me.  I had only run 100 miles in a month one other time, but in December, I did 108 with a few days to spare.  I was very motivated and just kept pushing myself to do more than I ever had.  It was a great way to finish!

Super excited to hit 902 miles in early December!

So what's next -- 2000 miles?  NO.  NO NO NO.  My body needs a rest from running for a while -- I've had pain in my Achilles since July, my knees bother me on and off, and I need a mental break from running, too.  But I do have plans to run a half marathon in April (with Erin coming down from Michigan to join me!), and I want to run that under 2 hours.  So I'll be adding speed training, hill workouts, strength training and overall healthy eating back into my life.  For now, though, I'm just going to enjoy a few days off and be proud of running 1000 miles in 2016.  Thanks to everyone for your support!

1000 miles in 2016.  Boom.

Ash's 6th Birthday -- A Dinosaur Adventure Party!

I wanted to do something different for Ash's 6th birthday this year.  In previous years, I always chose a theme, invited all our friends, family and their kids, and spent a lot of time on a lot of details.  But this time, I wanted to do something that I knew Ash would really love and that the focus would be on him and his friends.

The first thing we agreed to do was to have a kid-only party, where the parents dropped off their kids, but didn't stay themselves.  I decided we should have some kind of a big activity for the kids to do, like an obstacle course in the backyard.  I wanted to do an outdoor explorer theme, Ash wanted to have a dinosaur theme, so we agreed on a Dinosaur Adventure party, where we would hunt for dinosaurs in the backyard!  I used the (free) RedStamp app to create this invitation, which I texted to the parents of our guests.

In past years, I always did decorations, banners, etc, and a variety of theme-based food.  This year, I kept things simple...balloons, streamers, toy dinosaurs and sidewalk chalk drawings for decorations.  And cake and juice boxes for food.  That was it!  And no one complained. :)

I was pretty proud of how this cake turned out!  Did you know that a 1/4 sheet cake at Walmart is $20, or you could get a 1/2 sheet cake from Costco for the same price??  They have limited designs to choose from, though, so this is actually an Over The Hill cake.  I just had them change the snow-capped mountain to an orange-capped volcano, added my own toy dinosaurs and it was perfect!

Greg drew chalk drawings all over the backyard fence!

Something else that always stressed me out in the past was coming up with party favor bags.  Those things can get expensive, or they can be filled with cheap stuff, or just lots of candy.  I always tried to have creative party favor bags that fit with the theme, but not this year.  No party favor bags!  Instead, we made them "dinoculars" to decorate and use on our dinosaur hunt. 

Greg made this amazing shelf/table where we hung the dinoculars!

We could NOT have survived without Jackson (13) and Olivia (almost 12) helping out at the party!  There were 15 kids, so we loved having Jack and Olivia as extra helpers!

Okay, so the party!  When guests came, they decorated their dinoculars and colored their maps that they would use for their Dinosaur Hunt.  I gave them each a nametag, separating them into two teams, Carnivores and Herbivores.  (I had divided these up ahead of time.)  The Carnivores went outside to hunt dinosaurs first, while the Herbivores stayed inside and watched Dinotrux on Netflix.

There were 7 stations on our Dinosaur Hunt.  First, they had to climb through the "jungle vines" to get to the backyard.  (Greg set this up, using some cable cord rope thing he already had in the garage.)

The next station was crossing the river -- we put water and a couple of stepping stones in the wading pool for them to cross.

Station #3 was digging for dinosaur eggs!  We dumped sand into our fire pit and hid 10 green plastic Easter eggs in there.  I thought of putting prizes in there or hiding a special golden egg...but just kept it simple with the 10 eggs.  I'm glad I did -- the kids loved working together to find all 10!

Station #4...avoiding the hot lava at the volcano!  I think this one was my favorite, because Greg made it so much cooler than I had imagined it to be.  He spray painted the volcano on the fence and the lava in the grass, then added stepping stones for the kids to jump on.  Very cool!

For the next station, the kids had to climb the "mountain" (clubhouse) and use real binoculars to find toy dinosaurs that we had placed around the backyard.  Something so simple, but the kids really enjoyed it!

Station #6 was in the "secret cave" (underneath the clubhouse, where Greg had hung a bunch of brush).  I had them close their eyes and feel different dinosaur "body parts."  I used...

• sticks = dinosaur bones
• frozen carrots = dinosaur teeth
• thinly sliced dill pickles = dinosaur tongue (with stinky breath)
• dry elbow macaroni = dinosaur toenails/claws
• peeled grapes = dinosaur eyeballs
• orange peel = dinosaur skin

Honestly, this turned out to be my least favorite station.  The kids' attention span was pretty much gone, it was hard to get them to close their eyes, and it just didn't work very well.  I liked the idea, but I think it would have been better as a separate game and not part of the obstacle course/dinosaur hunt.

For the last station, we took their pictures with this dinosaur cutout poster.  You can order it from Etsy...or just draw your own, like we did.  Score!

And that was the big dinosaur hunt!  It went really well, although it might have been a little long for these young kids.  They definitely had fun, though!

We then went in and had cake while Ash opened his presents.  Greg and I both commented about how well behaved the kids were!  I mean, it was still chaotic, trying to open juice boxes and get kids settled and just manage 15 little bodies running around everywhere, but they were all polite and listened well to Greg and me.

We had one last game planned...a Dinosaur Stomp!  We went out to the front yard, where we tied balloons around everyone's ankles (again, shout out to Jackson and Olivia for being such awesome helpers).  Then the game was stomping on each other's balloons to pop them -- last one standing wins!

By this point, we only had about 10-15 minutes left before parents came to pick up their kids, so we let them just play in the backyard or inside with Ash and Kennedy's toys.  That gave me a chance to do a quick cleanup of plates, napkins, juice boxes, etc., then organize all their dinoculars and maps to take home.  

The party was a big success!  Someone told me that this is probably a party that Ash will always remember, and I definitely hope so.  I know that I will!

So thankful that Ash has such good friends!  (Kennedy refused to be in the group picture.  Whatever -- I choose my battles with her.)

Roar like a dinosaur!

Happy 6th birthday, Ash!  We are so proud of you.  You are smart (reading, adding, subtracting, remembering details about every animal featured on Wild Kratts), caring (especially to younger kids and your sister), helpful, funny, mature, sensitive and sweet.  Thank you for still being okay with holding my hand in public and cuddling with me on the couch.  You are a blessing and we are humbled to be your parents.  We love you!

My Weight Loss Journey

I've been wanting to write this post for a while now, mostly for myself, so that I can remember where I was and how far I've come.  But I also wanted to share it because I know there are so many other people who struggle with their weight, so maybe my story can help encourage someone else to take the steps needed to be healthy.

Where I Was
I lost a lot of weight and was in the best shape of my life on our wedding day.  And then it all went downhill from there (sorry for the false advertising, honey).  I found out that I was pregnant on our six month anniversary, gained A LOT of weight from that pregnancy and never got it all off.  Struggled with depression and gained more weight.  Had baby #2 and actually did lose some of that weight, but then went through another period of depression and gained even more weight.  Last spring (when these pictures were taken), I was extremely large.

It was bad.  I had trouble picking up toys from the living room floor, so I would sit there and try to reach them without moving much.  I started having random tingling in my legs and feet, I was getting arthritis in my fingers and I didn't have any clothes that would fit me anymore.  I regularly had emotional breakdowns because I'm sure my physical and mental/emotional health were connected.

I was so ashamed of myself because I KNEW what I looked like and I KNEW I was slowly killing myself and I KNEW that I needed to do something to change.  I had been an athlete through college and I just felt so GUILTY that I had done this to my body.  The problem, though, is that when I was feeling bad about myself, and I was stressed and overwhelmed and just feeling "stuck," I would eat to make myself feel better.  I felt so bad about myself but I honestly didn't have the energy to do anything about it.

What I Did
I took the time to really think through my options of what I needed to do, even thinking of my excuses ahead of time and finding solutions before I even started.  I didn't want to spend money on a gym membership, and I needed to plan for childcare.  I knew it would make the most sense to start walking outside, but it was June and very hot down here in Georgia.  So the best solution I could come up with was to start walking around the neighborhood before the kids woke up and before my husband had to get ready for work.

I also had to be very realistic with where I was and what I could handle.  I started by walking just 30 minutes a day at 6:30AM.  After a week or two, I increased it to 45 minutes.  My friend Rachel joined me and I loved having the time to walk and talk with her.

I also made some basic changes to my diet -- instead of drinking 4-5 Diet Cokes and Dr. Peppers a day, I cut back to just one for dinner.  I drank more water.  I stopped eating sweets all the time (although I would still let myself have a treat every now and then).  Basically, I just became more aware of my food choices.

I DID NOT want to do one of the latest diets or pills or shakes or anything like that.  First, I didn't want to spend money.  Second, I just don't really believe in them.  Third, I wanted to find a way that would last (and most of those diets produce quick, but not long-term, results).  But most importantly...I KNEW that eating healthy and working out was the best way to get in shape.  I didn't need any other program telling me basic things that I already knew!!

Rachel and I kept up our morning walks in June, July and August.  I lost some weight, but not much.  Still, I was building a foundation and getting stronger.  I knew it would take time to get to the point where I could really be working out again.  In August, our friend Kym started joining us for our morning walks, too.  But then school started for our kids and we had to figure out a new plan.  I had to be home by 6:45AM, so we decided to start walking at 5:30AM.  Rach wasn't able to commit to that because of her family's schedule, so it was just Kym and me.

I remember clearly one day in early September, Kym and I were walking and she said that she needed more from her workouts, because walking wasn't enough anymore.  I said that we should probably start running, and she agreed, saying we needed to start right then.  Boom.  We ran a VERY short stretch (just down the street a little), but we did it.  From there on, we started adding more short runs into our walks.  We kept increasing our running stretches until we were finally able to run around the entire neighborhood without stopping.

Kym also had a workout group from her church that had met earlier in the year, so she started that group back up again on Friday mornings, and I joined them as well.  Stephanie comes to lead us in a kick-butt circuit, mixing strength and cardio, and just pushing us more every week.  The group has evolved from only friends from Kym's church to now an awesome mix of women who we know from many different circles.  Stephanie still trains us on Fridays, but we also meet on Mondays and Wednesdays, too, usually doing a workout video (like BeachBody, P90X or Jillian Michaels) or sometimes our own circuits.

Other things that I have done?  First, Kym is an amazing accountability partner!  She is much better than me at sticking to her diet -- I still indulge too often.  But I'm choosing to surround myself with people who can encourage me in this journey, so I stay close to Kym and we are really forming a great community within our morning workout group.  I also love setting goals.  I have My Big Goal that I want to reach sometime in 2015, but I also keep track of small goals and cross off every time I lose another 5 pounds.  I use the MyFitnessPal and MapMyRun apps, and I now have a new FitBit that helps me with daily goals.  I've also increased my water to a gallon a day...yes, I drink a gallon of water every day!

What Challenges I Faced
Oh, man, there are so many mental challenges in this weight loss journey!  I really struggled with the "why me" questions.  I have friends and family members who can eat whatever they want, but never seem to gain weight at all.  Or I have other friends who enjoy working out and crave a good run or a green salad.  THIS IS NOT ME.  There was one morning in particular that I went on my walk and I really felt like I was stomping like a little kid, asking God why He gave me the body and the metabolism that He did.  But I've come to accept that this is who I am and this is what I struggle with.  I hate it, but I don't have to stay like it.  This is a part of my life that I CAN change.

And I still have many mornings that I don't want to work out!  Running in the morning was smart in the summer, but it is cold in the winter!  Yes, even in Georgia. :)  I don't like waking up at 4:45AM and I don't like running.  But I love the feeling when I'm finished -- and I'm still hoping that maybe someday, it'll click and I will crave a good run.

Where I Am Now
I'm 27 pounds down!  But I still have a lot more to go to hit my goal weight.  My BMI is not in the "obese" category anymore!  I never thought I would be so excited to be classified as "overweight," but now I'm excited to be working towards the "normal" range.

I'm down from wearing XXL shirts to just L shirts, and I'm not exactly sure what size jeans I wear now, but I'm down probably 2 or 3 sizes in those, too.

I feel great!  My friend asked me the other day how I'm able to get up early to work out, put in 40 hours of work a week, keep up with my stay-at-home mom responsibilities and still maintain my sanity.  Honestly, eating healthier, drinking water and working out has given me the energy I need to do all those things!

I don't have those tingling feelings in my legs and feet anymore, no more arthritis in my fingers, no more emotional breakdowns (well, maybe a few every now and then -- I am still a woman!).  I am a much more active mom!  I get on the floor and play with my kids more because it doesn't take so much energy for me to get back up.  I don't hide behind my kids in pictures.  I'm sure I'm smiling a lot more these days, too!

And remember how I started by just walking 30 minutes a day?  Well, Kym and I ran a 5K in November!!  And on the days we're not with our workout group, we still run around the neighborhood -- but we now do 4.5 miles without stopping!!!!

What Is Next
I'm so excited for 2015!  It's great to start the year off knowing that I have a good plan in place to reach my fitness goals.  I'm looking forward to losing even more weight, finding even more muscles to tone and even fitting in clothes that have been buried in my closet for years.  I know that I still have a long way to go...in fact, it's kind of vulnerable to put all this out for people to read, knowing that my body still isn't where it should be.

But I am putting this out there because maybe someone reading this wants to make a New Year's resolution but doesn't know where to start.  Maybe they don't have the money for a gym membership or maybe the diets they've tried never seemed to stick.  If that describes you, please PM me!  I would love to give you some encouragement.  Because, seriously, if I can do this from where I was, then ANYONE can do it!!

(Picture on the left is from April 2014; picture on the right is from Christmas 2014)

Ten Ways I Still Use My MAHE as a SAHM

Someone asked me the other day if I was still blogging about my transition from an Associate Dean of Students to a Stay-At-Home-Mom.  No, I haven't been, mostly because that transition has been intertwined with my husband losing his job, and I've needed to deal with those thoughts and emotions privately.  But after she said that, I started to think more about my "former life" and how I actually DO still use my Master's degree and other transferrable skills from my 12 years working in higher education.

I'm writing this post because it was encouraging to think about how my career may have changed drastically, but the education and experiences I've had have better prepared me for this current role as Mommy.  But I'm also hoping that this post will speak to at least one young woman out there, who is wondering if it is "worth it" to pursue advanced degrees and career opportunities, knowing that someday she may give it all up to stay home with her kids.  Because IT IS.  So, here we go...ten ways that I still use my MAHE (Master of Arts in Higher Education) as a SAHM (Stay-At-Home-Mom).

1. Mental health crises don't just happen on college campuses.  As an Associate Dean, I worked closely with our counseling department and walked alongside many students struggling with depression, eating disorders, same sex attraction, self harm, addictions and other mental health issues.  And guess what?  People still struggle with those same issues after college, too.  I am thankful that I have had so much exposure to real pain because when I have had close friends also face these challenges, I am not scared away and I can offer hope and encouragement in their dark and scary times.

2. Stick to the rules and have tough skin.  I'll admit it -- I'm a people pleaser.  So I HATE when I make people mad, which was difficult both as an Associate Dean and now as a mom.  But I have learned that it is important to stick to the rules I have set, even when they're somewhat arbitrary...I don't know why open halls close at 11:00 PM and I don't know why you have to eat three more bites of your dinner, but those are the rules and I need to enforce them.  And while I really hated reading frustrated opinion articles in the school newspaper or getting nasty emails from students, it has helped me to have tougher skin and not take criticism so personally -- like when the dinner I spent an hour preparing has been thrown on the floor.

3. Wholistic programming is important in all stages of development.  It was important to me that my staff provided a variety of programs for their students to be involved in -- RAs were required to plan at least one social, one educational and one spiritual program each semester.  And even though I don't make myself fill out those beloved Program Summary Sheets, I do think through the activities my son and daughter are involved in and the way we spend our time each week.  We have play dates with friends (social), play rhyming games (educational) and read our Jesus Storybook Bible (spiritual).  I know how important it is to be intentional with the activities I do with my kids -- even if it's just doing the grocery shopping and sharing words that start with the letter B as in "banana."

4. Make lots of lists, then prioritize.  I always had a running "to do" list when I was an Associate Dean and that habit has carried over into my mom life.  It might seem like a trivial thing to even mention, but I did learn a lot as an Associate Dean about being realistic with my expectations for myself and what I can accomplish (your to do list for the day shouldn't ever be more than what can fit on a post-it note), and knowing when and how to get the things done that need to be done.  I also have learned the importance of using my time wisely -- whether blocking off an afternoon to work on a Board report or folding laundry during naptime.  My staff knew some of my favorite words were "intentional" and "proactive" -- which I still think is important when setting up my SAHM routine.

5. It's important to find quality products, even when on a tight budget.  Working with residence halls made me familiar to the term "deferred maintenance," a fancy way of saying, "putting off projects until we have more money."  Unfortunately, money seems to always be tight (both for Christian colleges and for SAHM families), so it's important to find quality products that won't break down in a year.  I did a lot of research on lobby furniture, bunk beds, dressers, etc. to find products that could handle the wear and tear of rough college students.  Now, I am still looking for ways to get the most bang for my buck -- shopping consignment sales for kids' clothes (and knowing which brand names to stay away from), switching to Aldi brands for the majority of our food, but also knowing how wise it is to splurge on the "good" paper towels from Walmart.  These are important decisions that keep our family budget in the black each month.

6. Grumpy parents love their children and don't usually mean to take it out on you.  I worked with parents of college students A LOT -- more each year, in fact.  They would call me about everything from their son's roommate not cleaning his dishes in their apartment to asking for extensions on a quiz their daughter was supposed to take.  And they always expected me to fix their problems immediately.  In my new role, unfortunately, I find that I am the grumpy parent!  It's really difficult to let my two-year-old drink from a cup without a lid, knowing that she's just going to make a mess that I will have to clean up.  Many parents of college students aren't sure when to let their kids handle their problems and when it's just easier to do it themselves -- and because I worked with so many overly protected students, I have learned how important it is to teach my kids how to be independent, even when it's easier for me to just do things for them.

7. Confront sin and discipline out of love.  As I said earlier, I'm a people pleaser, but my many years of Residence Life experience has forced me to be more comfortable with confrontation.  Because I really do believe in the bigger picture -- confrontation is hard and scary, but when you have the ultimate good in mind for that student or for your friend, you do what you have to do.  The same is true with discipline.  I learned that when I was in a discipline meeting with a female student who had been sexually active, it's okay for her to see my eyes well up with tears as I talked to her.  And it's okay for me to send my son to his room for hitting his sister, but then go in a few minutes later and give him a big hug, reminding him that even when he does something wrong, I still love him.

8. Grace, grace, grace.  I firmly believe in setting boundaries and enforcing them, both with college students and toddlers/young children.  But in every situation, I pray that I can see the heart behind the actions.  When my daughter was born, there were times when my son was extra "naughty," and I know he was just trying to get my attention.  We didn't let him get away with things he wasn't supposed to be doing, but I also recognized when it was time for me to cuddle with only him and give him some needed one-on-one attention.

9. Just because I can't see it, doesn't mean good things aren't happening.  One of the most difficult aspects of being an Associate Dean was to love, disciple, invest in and walk with students during their college years, only to have them graduate and move on, with only Facebook statuses and Instagram posts as glimpses into their lives.  As I'm now out of the higher education community, I have found myself wondering even more what kind of impact I had on people and why I even bothered investing so much, when there's nothing to "show" for it.  I like things to be tangible and concrete, lists that I can check off and goals that I can see I've accomplished.  But my daily efforts around the house and with my children have intangible results as well -- no matter how hard I work, my kids will still fight over toys, there will always be more dishes to do, and I will never be completely caught up on housework.  Proverbs 31 says that "her children arise and call her blessed," but that doesn't happen around here!  But as I learned in my "former life," I just need to be faithful in what God has called me to do, and trust that He is working in my students' and my children's lives, even when I can't see the whole picture.

10. "Because we loved you so much, we were delighted to share with you not only the gospel of God, but our lives as well, because you had become so dear to us" (I Thessalonians 2:8). This was my life verse while I was working in Student Development -- I loved college students so much that not only did I want to share the gospel with them, but I wanted to share my life with them as well.  Just recently it hit me how this verse was applicable to my role as a SAHM, too.  I love my kids so much that I want to share my life with them -- I quit my job to stay home with them, I spend almost every waking (and sometimes sleeping) moment with them, and their lives ARE my life.  I do this because I want to invest in them, develop them, grow them to be the man and woman after God's own heart that I pray they will be.  And as I learned from my education and experience in higher education, there is no substitute for true life-on-life relational ministry.  So my kids will see me when I'm crying and having a bad day, they will see me put something back on the shelf because we don't have the money to buy that right now, they will see me reading my Bible in the mornings, they will hear me talking to my best friend or my sister on the phone, they will see me laughing and smiling as we play hide-and-seek and they will nestle down next to me and cuddle with me while watching another episode of Curious George.

Would I have done all these things as a mom, even if I didn't have a MA in Higher Education and 12 years of Student Development experience?  Maybe.  But did my MAHE and time as a college professional help shape me to be who I am today?  Definitely.  So even if I'm not directly using my degree right now, I don't regret that investment at all.  I'm a better person because of the education and experiences I had earlier in life, and I'm a better mommy for it, too.

My sweet boy

Today was a rough day. Nothing specific -- just general tiredness of being a mommy. Dishes (again), messy house (again), kids climbing on me (nonstop) and feeling overwhelmed and stuck.

But my sweet boy was by far my bright spot. At one point in the morning, he said, "I'm sorry I give you a headache, Mommy." Precious!

But the one that still gets me happened later in the day. I was crying from feeling so overwhelmed and Ash asked me what was wrong. I told him I was just having a bad day. So he took the dirty diaper I had just changed on Kennedy and went and threw it away for me, without being asked. When he came back, he said, "Mommy, I asked God to give you a good day."

Of course I kept crying, and I'm crying now, thinking of my sweet boy who is so good at caring for me. He's not even four yet! What a blessing he is -- I love him so very much!!!

(UPDATE: The next day, Sunday, we were driving home from church.  It had been a really good service and I was feeling very thankful for that time with my family.  I told Ash, "Remember yesterday when you prayed that I would have a good day?  Well, today has been a very good day."  And he smiled so big and said in amazement, "He did it!"  Love that I was able to witness his reaction to his first answered prayer!)

Six months.

I'm writing this post with tears in my eyes before I even get started.  My heart is fluttering with anxiety and my fingers are heavy as I try to choose my words carefully.  I'm not sure why I'm even writing when I don't know what all I want to say and I'm afraid of saying something publicly when I'm still working through things privately.  But for whatever reason, I want to at least try and express my thoughts and feelings so I can look back and remember.  Because I am hopeful that one day, things will be better.  Or maybe not better, but just not hurt as much.

Six months ago today.  Friday, October 19, 2012.  At the very end of the work day, my husband was called to a meeting where he was told he was being let go, effective immediately.  I have many opinions on why that happened and how that was handled, but this is definitely not the place for me to share all that.  Bottom line, though, is that this was a huge shock to our family.  I still can't talk about the events of that day without crying.  Since I had just quit my job five months earlier to be a stay-at-home mom, we were already strapped financially with the loss of my income. And with two very small children to care for, we were worried.

The past six months have been tight financially, but God has provided.  Definitely not in the ways that I would have chosen AT ALL, but my kids are fed and clothed and we are still living in our home.  Our basic needs have been cared for, and I am thankful for that.

But the emotions.  Oh, the emotions.  I definitely took everything much more personally than Greg did (for those of you who know both of us, this should come at no surprise).  Because while he had always seen his job as just a job, to me, where we had both worked was so much more than that.  It was a community of fellow believers, where I had invested my life for ten years, and I had friends that I loved as deeply as my family.  So to be so suddenly removed from this community was shocking and painful.  This is the area that I'm still working through, though, so I'll stop my thoughts on that for now. :)

I do, however, want to share some of the things that I have learned am learning so far in this difficult season of my life.

1.  Saying the wrong thing is better than saying nothing at all.  When someone is going through a difficult time of life, I get that it's hard to know what to say.  I've been on that side of things, too, and I guess I always assumed that someone else was in that person's life to comfort and encourage.  But unfortunately, that's not always the case.  For me, the silence and the loneliness made a painful time even more heartwrenching.  It made me feel forgotten and insignificant -- and while people probably did care, but just didn't know what to say, the silence made it feel like I didn't exist to them.

2.  Tangible acts of love are SO appreciated.  We had a married couple (former students of ours, actually) send us some money right around the Christmas season.  We also had another friend bring us some meals to eat/freeze in February.  One of Greg's friends takes him out to lunch every month or so.  Another friend loaned me money so I wouldn't miss out on a mini-reunion with college friends.  When people are hurting, and you don't know what to say, small gifts or acts of service can be more healing than you realize.  It's so easy to get caught up in our own daily activities that we don't make the extra effort like these friends did.  I hope that I can be a blessing to others (especially these particular friends) and be sensitive to hurting people now that I've experienced unexpected grace from them.

3.  Forgiveness is more about me and my heart than it is about ways that I've been "wronged."  Yeah, definitely not there yet.  But I'm trying!  I've realized that it's easier to put up walls and stuff down my emotions and hurts...but that's not who I am or who I want to be.  I love people and I value relationships.  I feel things deeply and I see things as "gray" more than "black and white."  I don't want to put up walls and be bitter and cynical.  But for me to live in the freedom God desires of me, I need to truly forgive.  I'm working on it. :)

4.  Men and women are very, very, very different.  Even though Greg and I are going through this entire experience together, we are handling it as complete opposites.  I take things personally, while he sees things practically.  I overthink and feel deeply and cry and journal and question and he just moves on without thinking twice.  I'd say that probably about 90% of the time, he doesn't understand me at all and has often said the wrong thing at the wrong time.  But I have fallen more in love with him these past six months than the first five years of our relationship combined.  He has shown me that he is a man of character and integrity, he has spoken truth in my life and he has been a joy and a blessing to me and our kids.  When he does find a job, we will miss having him here all the time.  (But don't get me wrong -- we WANT him to find a job!!!)

5.  Even when God doesn't show His whole hand to you, you can still see His fingerprints.  I know that God can "fix" our situation anytime He wants.  I've struggled with praying, because it doesn't seem to change things at all.  There have been many days that Psalm 13 has been the cry of my heart ("How long, O Lord, will you forget me forever?").  But I do believe that all this is in His plan -- I just wish I could fast forward to the point where it doesn't hurt so much (and maybe where things make sense, too).  But that's not where I am.  So until the day that I can see His whole hand, I'm praying that I can see His fingerprints.  He is at work around me, and His fingerprints remind me that He hasn't forgotten me.

I don't know how long this season will last in our lives.  Six months ago, I never dreamed that this is where we would be today.  The last blog I had written was just a few days before this happened, and I already was feeling like I was going through a mid-life crisis of identity.  I had no idea what was in store for me and my family.  But as someone pointed out to me the other day, my heart is very soft right now and through all this, God has my attention.  May I come out of this more like the woman He desires me to be.

mid-life crisis of identity

Sorry I've been MIA for the past couple of months.  And it's sad that I haven't posted more, since we've had so many great things going on:

• celebrating Ash's third birthday (super cool rocket ship theme)
• Kennedy turning seven, eight and (today) nine months and now crawling, climbing and cruising
• earning a promotion with Pampered Chef and going to Denver for a conference
• celebrating my 35th and Greg's 39th birthdays
• and just overall recording of all kinds of cuteness that the kids are saying and doing these days (for example, when I told Ash yesterday to stop playing with his wee-wee, he said, "But I need to play with my wee-wee, Mommy.  It's big!")

And I have all kinds of pictures that I should have been putting up on here at some point, too.  But as I'm trying to keep up with the kids, the house and my PC business, blogging has fallen lower on my priority list.  Until tonight. :)  I've had this post simmering in my mind for a few weeks now, and I'm finally taking the opportunity of a quiet house late at night to write it out.

So here's the thing.  I feel like I'm having to start my life completely over these days, and I find myself really questioning where I find my identity.  The last time I felt this way was back in 2008, when my identity really did change, as I went from being a Gosselink to being a Ford.  I was 30 and getting married for the first time, and it rocked my "strongindependentsinglewoman" world.  But because I married a man who loved me for being strong and independent, and because my job and my friends and everything still stayed the same, the transition wasn't that difficult and I thankfully still enjoy my new identity as a Ford.  (Signing my name is SO MUCH easier!)

But in the past 6-9 months or so, I have gone through many more life transitions.  I have gone from having one kid to having two kids -- not as easy as it might sound.  I have gone from working a more-than-full-time job to being a stay-at-home mom.  I used to do Pampered Chef as a part-time job/hobby, but now I have a full team and a growing business to maintain.  I no longer work in higher education, the career that I had built over 12 years.  I don't see my friends every day anymore.  And we've even been checking out other churches lately, too.

I had one of my "whatintheworldishappeningtome" moments when I was at the national leadership conference for Pampered Chef in Denver.  I was travelling with some awesome women who had been to these conferences many times over the past 10 or so years.  They knew all the ins and outs ("make sure you're last in line here, because..." and "they usually give this away then") and they knew all of the "big name" people in the business.  And I had this moment of crisis...what was I doing at a freakin Pampered Chef conference?!?  I had been going to the ACSD conference for 12 years and I was the one who knew all of the ins and outs, I knew the big named people and I was actually building MY career and people knew ME at those conferences!  And now, where am I?  Starting all over again, going to my first PC conference and starting a completely different career.  Identity shock #1.

And I know that I blogged about friendships changing before, but as more time has passed, I just have to say that making new friends as an adult really sucks.  I understand that things have changed, but I miss having friends who already know me and love me.  I really do like the new friends that I'm making, but they don't know me yet.  I'm starting completely over with my friendships, and while these new friends are getting to know me, we're not at a point where we can support each other on a deeper, personal level.  And most of them already have their support systems and friendships in place -- I'm someone new that is trying to fit into their already established lives.  So during this transition time of finding new friends and trying to get to a point of depth and support, I'm lonely.  Identity shock #2.

And I'm learning what it means to really be a full-time mom.  The biggest challenge with that right now is with Kennedy, who ONLY wants to be with me all. of. the. time.  She screams and cries and gets big red welts on her face if I'm gone for more than 15 minutes.  And we've done everything the way we were "supposed" to -- we introduced the bottle around 6 weeks (which she took fine until 5 months), I've left her home with Daddy 1-2 times a week, and I even went away for three full days/nights last month.  But it's getting worse with her, so much that I've decided that unless I'm going to a show and I honestly cannot take her with me, then I'll just take her everywhere I go or sit things out until she's over this phase.  So remember when I used to be a strongindependentsinglewoman?  Or even a capableindependentworkingmom?  Yeah, now I find myself more tied down than I've ever been in my life.  Identity shock #3.

I could go on and on about the different identity shocks I've been feeling, but the bottom line is, they don't matter!  Because THANK THE LORD, my identity is NOT found in my career, my friendships, my independence, my children or anything else of this world.  I am a child of God, and He MADE me and He LOVES me and that will NEVEREVEREVER change.  (And my husband!  I love that through all of the transitions that I'm going through and we will both go through, Greg will always be with me as my best friend and partner in life.)

As I think about this mid-life crisis of identity I'm going through, the best analogy I can think of is that I'm like a tree.  I used to have long branches with beautiful leaves on them, leaves that brought me attention and affirmation, comfort and confidence.  But those leaves have been falling quickly around me, and I feel very naked and exposed without them.  I know that I'm still the same tree, but I look and feel very different.  It's not comfortable yet, but I know that my roots are firm in the foundation of Christ, and new leaves will eventually grow into place.  (Okay, that turned out to be MUCH cheesier than I meant for it to be.  But you get the point.)

Sigh.  I really don't like having to restart my life as a 35-year-old.  But I am thankful for the neverchanging love and presence of the Lord and my husband, and for the way I am becoming more and more comfortable with this new identity of mine.  Or at least I'm trying. :)