A few weeks ago, there was an article published in The Atlantic called, "Why Women Still Can't Have It All." (http://m.theatlantic.com/magazine/archive/2012/07/why-women-still-can-8217-t-have-it-all/9020/?single_page=true). One of my friends first sent it to me, then I saw a few other people talking about it on facebook, and I saw two different TV news stories discussing this controversial article. In the article, Anne-Marie Slaughter talks about her high-powered career in Washington and how she gave it up to have more time with her family.
It's a fairly long article, but about 1/4 of the way into it, I started to cry, as Slaughter's words hit close to home. She was talking about the exact transition that I am going through, and had come to the same conclusion I had -- while I seemed to be "having it all" by working my full-time job and coming home to a loving husband and child, it was deceptively more challenging than I had ever imagined, and I was miserable.
There are three times in my life when I know for sure that I heard God speak to me -- once in college, once in grad school and once on my wedding day. (Maybe I'll write about those other two times in another blog someday!) During that moment in grad school, I was sitting in my Sociology of Higher Education class and we were discussing the lack of women in upper-level positions at Christian colleges and universities. Frustrated, I thought to myself, "Why aren't more women pursuing these positions?" And I remember God answering, very clearly, "Why not YOU, Emily?"
From then on, I pursued a career in higher education, believing that even if I were to get married and have kids, this was my calling. My master's thesis researched what was being done (and what else could be done) to develop women for leadership positions at CCCU institutions. Greg knew my plans when we first got married. So when I got pregnant with Ash, coming back to work after maternity leave wasn't even a question.
But I didn't anticipate the deeply personal, hurtful challenges I went through. When writing my thesis, I knew the difficulties that women faced working in higher education, but I was blindsided by the unique challenges I faced as a working mom. What do I do when my mother-in-law (my baby's caretaker) calls me at 6:00 in the morning and says she's sick? Do I use another one of my precious sick/personal days, even though the baby and I are perfectly healthy? Even a back-up baby-sitter needs more advance notice than that. How do I physically function throughout the long work day when I've been up with the baby multiple times -- a "good" night's sleep is only waking up twice? What do I do when I feel like I'm letting everybody in my life down? I wasn't able to give as much at work like I used to (and people were reminding me of this painful truth), I was away from my son more than I was with him, I was an emotional mess for my husband to deal with, and I was just too tired to pick up my Bible.
Slaughter's article highlighted some of the special challenges that working moms face. Even though Greg is an amazing dad and a very supportive husband, there is a different, maternal, deeply personal responsibility that I have for my kids. Slaughter mentioned this as a unique gift in women she's observed. And in my thesis research, the Vice President of Academic Affairs at another Christian university noted that when hiring female professors, they often said taking the job would be dependent on their husbands finding jobs in the area, while male faculty members never made that stipulation. The way that a woman carries the burden for her family's needs is different than how a man carries his responsibility.
Slaughter also writes, "Workers who put their careers first are typically rewarded; workers who choose their families are overlooked, disbelieved, or accused of unprofessionalism....Ultimately, it is society that must change, coming to value choices to put family ahead of work just as much as those to put work ahead of family. If we really valued those choices, we would value the people who make them; if we valued the people who make them, we would do everything possible to hire and retain them; if we did everything possible to allow them to combine work and family equally over time, then the choices would get a lot easier."
I agree with Slaughter's insights. It would have been so helpful for me to have more control over my own schedule, or at least given flexible working hours or the option of working from home. And I definitely wish I would have been commended for making the choice to leave right at 4:30 (the official end of the work day), so that I could go home and make dinner for my family. But in today's society, the "new norm" is to put in well over 50 hours of work a week, plus be on call whenever at home.
Honestly, I think there is a part of me that still feels like I failed. I couldn't handle the working mom thing, so I quit and joined the ranks of the stay-at-home mom. I must be too soft, or just didn't work hard enough. And that's part of what Slaughter is writing about -- we as a society are setting women up for "failure" by telling them they can have it all, when really, the only way to make it work is if you don't have a family, your family is all grown, or you have control over your own schedule. It's helpful for me to read Slaughter's article and hear that other women have struggled just like I did. And I think it's okay to admit that while I am so thankful that I'm home with my kids, I'm still processing through my time as a working mom, and what I wish I could have done differently or what kind of accommodations I wish would have been available for me.
I think I'll leave it at that, though -- I'm thinking and processing and questioning, knowing that through it all, the Lord has given me an overwhelming sense of peace that I am pursuing His calling for my life by being a stay-at-home mom. For now. :)
