My sweet boy

Today was a rough day. Nothing specific -- just general tiredness of being a mommy. Dishes (again), messy house (again), kids climbing on me (nonstop) and feeling overwhelmed and stuck.

But my sweet boy was by far my bright spot. At one point in the morning, he said, "I'm sorry I give you a headache, Mommy." Precious!

But the one that still gets me happened later in the day. I was crying from feeling so overwhelmed and Ash asked me what was wrong. I told him I was just having a bad day. So he took the dirty diaper I had just changed on Kennedy and went and threw it away for me, without being asked. When he came back, he said, "Mommy, I asked God to give you a good day."

Of course I kept crying, and I'm crying now, thinking of my sweet boy who is so good at caring for me. He's not even four yet! What a blessing he is -- I love him so very much!!!

(UPDATE: The next day, Sunday, we were driving home from church.  It had been a really good service and I was feeling very thankful for that time with my family.  I told Ash, "Remember yesterday when you prayed that I would have a good day?  Well, today has been a very good day."  And he smiled so big and said in amazement, "He did it!"  Love that I was able to witness his reaction to his first answered prayer!)

Six months.

I'm writing this post with tears in my eyes before I even get started.  My heart is fluttering with anxiety and my fingers are heavy as I try to choose my words carefully.  I'm not sure why I'm even writing when I don't know what all I want to say and I'm afraid of saying something publicly when I'm still working through things privately.  But for whatever reason, I want to at least try and express my thoughts and feelings so I can look back and remember.  Because I am hopeful that one day, things will be better.  Or maybe not better, but just not hurt as much.

Six months ago today.  Friday, October 19, 2012.  At the very end of the work day, my husband was called to a meeting where he was told he was being let go, effective immediately.  I have many opinions on why that happened and how that was handled, but this is definitely not the place for me to share all that.  Bottom line, though, is that this was a huge shock to our family.  I still can't talk about the events of that day without crying.  Since I had just quit my job five months earlier to be a stay-at-home mom, we were already strapped financially with the loss of my income. And with two very small children to care for, we were worried.

The past six months have been tight financially, but God has provided.  Definitely not in the ways that I would have chosen AT ALL, but my kids are fed and clothed and we are still living in our home.  Our basic needs have been cared for, and I am thankful for that.

But the emotions.  Oh, the emotions.  I definitely took everything much more personally than Greg did (for those of you who know both of us, this should come at no surprise).  Because while he had always seen his job as just a job, to me, where we had both worked was so much more than that.  It was a community of fellow believers, where I had invested my life for ten years, and I had friends that I loved as deeply as my family.  So to be so suddenly removed from this community was shocking and painful.  This is the area that I'm still working through, though, so I'll stop my thoughts on that for now. :)

I do, however, want to share some of the things that I have learned am learning so far in this difficult season of my life.

1.  Saying the wrong thing is better than saying nothing at all.  When someone is going through a difficult time of life, I get that it's hard to know what to say.  I've been on that side of things, too, and I guess I always assumed that someone else was in that person's life to comfort and encourage.  But unfortunately, that's not always the case.  For me, the silence and the loneliness made a painful time even more heartwrenching.  It made me feel forgotten and insignificant -- and while people probably did care, but just didn't know what to say, the silence made it feel like I didn't exist to them.

2.  Tangible acts of love are SO appreciated.  We had a married couple (former students of ours, actually) send us some money right around the Christmas season.  We also had another friend bring us some meals to eat/freeze in February.  One of Greg's friends takes him out to lunch every month or so.  Another friend loaned me money so I wouldn't miss out on a mini-reunion with college friends.  When people are hurting, and you don't know what to say, small gifts or acts of service can be more healing than you realize.  It's so easy to get caught up in our own daily activities that we don't make the extra effort like these friends did.  I hope that I can be a blessing to others (especially these particular friends) and be sensitive to hurting people now that I've experienced unexpected grace from them.

3.  Forgiveness is more about me and my heart than it is about ways that I've been "wronged."  Yeah, definitely not there yet.  But I'm trying!  I've realized that it's easier to put up walls and stuff down my emotions and hurts...but that's not who I am or who I want to be.  I love people and I value relationships.  I feel things deeply and I see things as "gray" more than "black and white."  I don't want to put up walls and be bitter and cynical.  But for me to live in the freedom God desires of me, I need to truly forgive.  I'm working on it. :)

4.  Men and women are very, very, very different.  Even though Greg and I are going through this entire experience together, we are handling it as complete opposites.  I take things personally, while he sees things practically.  I overthink and feel deeply and cry and journal and question and he just moves on without thinking twice.  I'd say that probably about 90% of the time, he doesn't understand me at all and has often said the wrong thing at the wrong time.  But I have fallen more in love with him these past six months than the first five years of our relationship combined.  He has shown me that he is a man of character and integrity, he has spoken truth in my life and he has been a joy and a blessing to me and our kids.  When he does find a job, we will miss having him here all the time.  (But don't get me wrong -- we WANT him to find a job!!!)

5.  Even when God doesn't show His whole hand to you, you can still see His fingerprints.  I know that God can "fix" our situation anytime He wants.  I've struggled with praying, because it doesn't seem to change things at all.  There have been many days that Psalm 13 has been the cry of my heart ("How long, O Lord, will you forget me forever?").  But I do believe that all this is in His plan -- I just wish I could fast forward to the point where it doesn't hurt so much (and maybe where things make sense, too).  But that's not where I am.  So until the day that I can see His whole hand, I'm praying that I can see His fingerprints.  He is at work around me, and His fingerprints remind me that He hasn't forgotten me.

I don't know how long this season will last in our lives.  Six months ago, I never dreamed that this is where we would be today.  The last blog I had written was just a few days before this happened, and I already was feeling like I was going through a mid-life crisis of identity.  I had no idea what was in store for me and my family.  But as someone pointed out to me the other day, my heart is very soft right now and through all this, God has my attention.  May I come out of this more like the woman He desires me to be.