Well, I'm officially no longer an employee of Covenant College. I had a really good last week of work, although it was busier than I expected it to be. In April, I spent more time going through papers and deleting files and e-mails, but this past week, I had big projects to be working on, like new student housing and finishing a training manual for my replacement. April was more of a nostalgic and emotional week (I think I cried at some point every day), but last week was so busy that I didn't have time to feel sad until Friday.
But, yeah, it was a good week. I feel great about the work I finished and where I left things for my replacement (who I think is going to be awesome, by the way). And I feel very much at peace about my decision to quit and stay home with my kids. It's like the morning of June 14, 2008. There haven't been too many times in my life when I knew for sure that God was speaking to me, but on that day, I knew without a single doubt that the one thing that God wanted me to do that day was to marry Greg Ford. It was an awesome feeling, knowing that the biggest moment of my life was by far the easiest decision I had ever made.
I felt that same peace on Friday. I loved the fellowship, community and spiritual growth I experienced at Covenant, but I really do not have any problems walking away, since I am thrilled to stay home with the kids. At my farewell reception on Friday morning, the college chaplain said something to me that made my eyes well up with tears and still gets to me as I've thought about it all weekend. He said that in his lifetime, he's had many different jobs, positions and callings. But in all of them, he has always been replaced. Sure, people were sad to see him go from his pastoral role in Pennsylvania, but they found someone to replace him just a few months later. But, he said, there is one calling in his life where he can never be replaced -- being a dad to his children. If anything ever happened to him, no one else could ever fill that void in their lives. He told me he thought it was very admirable that I would now be devoting the majority of my time to my most important calling, where I could never be replaced.
I've taken two maternity leaves while an employee at Covenant, so I humbly realized that as important as I thought I was, the College was actually still able to survive in my absence. :) And while I believe that I was called to serve as the Associate Dean at Covenant for all these years, I'm even more confident that I'm called to be Ash and Kennedy's mommy. And I am so, so, so thankful that I'll be able to be home with them every day, loving them and developing them and serving them and pointing them to Christ. It is the one calling in my life that only I can fulfill, and I am more than happy to do so!
Sunday, May 20, 2012
Tuesday, May 8, 2012
self-care vs. laziness
I'm not sure who reads this blog, so people out there may or may not know that I went through a period of depression shortly after Ash was born. It wasn't exactly postpartum depression, since it didn't start until Ash was around six months old, but it lasted until last fall (so about a year and a half, I guess). I took Zoloft during this time and saw a counselor and my doctor regularly. It was a dark and scary time in my life, but I am so incredibly blessed that the Lord brought me to a point of healing and I continue to do well these days.
In my counseling sessions, though, we pinpointed that one of my key struggles was making self-care a priority. I felt such responsibility to the others around me -- I didn't want to let down my husband, my son, my boss, my RD staff, my friends, my students and of course my God. My counselor helped me realize that I was taking on too much responsibility for other people's lives, wanting to make everybody happy all the time, and I needed to learn healthy boundaries and take better care of myself.
While I don't struggle with depression anymore, I do find myself fighting these same battles. A friend and I are reading Boundaries by Cloud and Townsend right now, and I also read an article in Real Simple about women and time (which, ironically, was from the April issue -- I'm trying to catch up, since the June issue came in the mail this week!). In the Real Simple article, they showed that some women make free time a priority, while other women use free time as a reward, after finishing other things from their to do lists. The article said that statistically, the women who made free time a priority, even if they had other tasks waiting for them, were happier and healthier, while the latter were more likely to be stressed and unhappy.
But this is a very difficult thing for me. I wish that I could make free time/self-care a priority, but I often feel lazy or selfish doing so. Why should I put my needs above others' needs? It doesn't feel like the Christian thing to do. I know in my head that taking care of myself will help me take care of others, but I tend to push myself just a little more and more before I "need" to take the time to myself (aka on the verge of a meltdown). I want to love my family self-sacrificially, which makes it difficult to find time to make self-care a priority.
Since I had just read Boundaries and the Real Simple article, I decided to try to do something for myself on Monday. It might not seem like much, but I was going to take my time in the shower that morning. Kennedy was asleep in her crib and Ash was watching TV in my bed. I even took him to the potty before getting in the shower, to give myself a little more time in the shower. Well, to make a long story short...Ash came to tell me that he had pooped in his underwear, and when he tried to "help" me by taking off his shorts and underwear, there was poop everywhere. Everywhere. And since I had to jump out of the shower so quickly, I was trying to clean it all up in just a towel. What a mess! I finally got him all cleaned up and went to get dressed and dry my hair...only to come back and find him peeing on the bathroom floor, jumping up and down in it and saying, "I splash, Mommy!"
So I'm still not convinced that self-care is worth it. I could have taken a super quick shower and avoided that entire disaster. Or maybe I just need to find other ways to take care of myself. Both kids have been down for a nap for a couple of hours now, and after making dinner, putting away the groceries from this morning and picking up the living room, I'm avoiding the dishes and instead I'm watching last week's episode of Amazing Race while writing this blog. That's self-care, right??
Sorry for so much rambling. Here's the real reason people should read my blog -- a picture of my adorable kids!
In my counseling sessions, though, we pinpointed that one of my key struggles was making self-care a priority. I felt such responsibility to the others around me -- I didn't want to let down my husband, my son, my boss, my RD staff, my friends, my students and of course my God. My counselor helped me realize that I was taking on too much responsibility for other people's lives, wanting to make everybody happy all the time, and I needed to learn healthy boundaries and take better care of myself.
While I don't struggle with depression anymore, I do find myself fighting these same battles. A friend and I are reading Boundaries by Cloud and Townsend right now, and I also read an article in Real Simple about women and time (which, ironically, was from the April issue -- I'm trying to catch up, since the June issue came in the mail this week!). In the Real Simple article, they showed that some women make free time a priority, while other women use free time as a reward, after finishing other things from their to do lists. The article said that statistically, the women who made free time a priority, even if they had other tasks waiting for them, were happier and healthier, while the latter were more likely to be stressed and unhappy.
But this is a very difficult thing for me. I wish that I could make free time/self-care a priority, but I often feel lazy or selfish doing so. Why should I put my needs above others' needs? It doesn't feel like the Christian thing to do. I know in my head that taking care of myself will help me take care of others, but I tend to push myself just a little more and more before I "need" to take the time to myself (aka on the verge of a meltdown). I want to love my family self-sacrificially, which makes it difficult to find time to make self-care a priority.
Since I had just read Boundaries and the Real Simple article, I decided to try to do something for myself on Monday. It might not seem like much, but I was going to take my time in the shower that morning. Kennedy was asleep in her crib and Ash was watching TV in my bed. I even took him to the potty before getting in the shower, to give myself a little more time in the shower. Well, to make a long story short...Ash came to tell me that he had pooped in his underwear, and when he tried to "help" me by taking off his shorts and underwear, there was poop everywhere. Everywhere. And since I had to jump out of the shower so quickly, I was trying to clean it all up in just a towel. What a mess! I finally got him all cleaned up and went to get dressed and dry my hair...only to come back and find him peeing on the bathroom floor, jumping up and down in it and saying, "I splash, Mommy!"
So I'm still not convinced that self-care is worth it. I could have taken a super quick shower and avoided that entire disaster. Or maybe I just need to find other ways to take care of myself. Both kids have been down for a nap for a couple of hours now, and after making dinner, putting away the groceries from this morning and picking up the living room, I'm avoiding the dishes and instead I'm watching last week's episode of Amazing Race while writing this blog. That's self-care, right??
Sorry for so much rambling. Here's the real reason people should read my blog -- a picture of my adorable kids!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)