self-care vs. laziness

I'm not sure who reads this blog, so people out there may or may not know that I went through a period of depression shortly after Ash was born.  It wasn't exactly postpartum depression, since it didn't start until Ash was around six months old, but it lasted until last fall (so about a year and a half, I guess).  I took Zoloft during this time and saw a counselor and my doctor regularly.  It was a dark and scary time in my life, but I am so incredibly blessed that the Lord brought me to a point of healing and I continue to do well these days.

In my counseling sessions, though, we pinpointed that one of my key struggles was making self-care a priority.  I felt such responsibility to the others around me -- I didn't want to let down my husband, my son, my boss, my RD staff, my friends, my students and of course my God.  My counselor helped me realize that I was taking on too much responsibility for other people's lives, wanting to make everybody happy all the time, and I needed to learn healthy boundaries and take better care of myself.

While I don't struggle with depression anymore, I do find myself fighting these same battles.  A friend and I are reading Boundaries by Cloud and Townsend right now, and I also read an article in Real Simple about women and time (which, ironically, was from the April issue -- I'm trying to catch up, since the June issue came in the mail this week!).  In the Real Simple article, they showed that some women make free time a priority, while other women use free time as a reward, after finishing other things from their to do lists.  The article said that statistically, the women who made free time a priority, even if they had other tasks waiting for them, were happier and healthier, while the latter were more likely to be stressed and unhappy.

But this is a very difficult thing for me.  I wish that I could make free time/self-care a priority, but I often feel lazy or selfish doing so.  Why should I put my needs above others' needs?  It doesn't feel like the Christian thing to do.  I know in my head that taking care of myself will help me take care of others, but I tend to push myself just a little more and more before I "need" to take the time to myself (aka on the verge of a meltdown).  I want to love my family self-sacrificially, which makes it difficult to find time to make self-care a priority.

Since I had just read Boundaries and the Real Simple article, I decided to try to do something for myself on Monday.  It might not seem like much, but I was going to take my time in the shower that morning.  Kennedy was asleep in her crib and Ash was watching TV in my bed.  I even took him to the potty before getting in the shower, to give myself a little more time in the shower.  Well, to make a long story short...Ash came to tell me that he had pooped in his underwear, and when he tried to "help" me by taking off his shorts and underwear, there was poop everywhere.  Everywhere.  And since I had to jump out of the shower so quickly, I was trying to clean it all up in just a towel.  What a mess!  I finally got him all cleaned up and went to get dressed and dry my hair...only to come back and find him peeing on the bathroom floor, jumping up and down in it and saying, "I splash, Mommy!"

So I'm still not convinced that self-care is worth it.  I could have taken a super quick shower and avoided that entire disaster.  Or maybe I just need to find other ways to take care of myself.  Both kids have been down for a nap for a couple of hours now, and after making dinner, putting away the groceries from this morning and picking up the living room, I'm avoiding the dishes and instead I'm watching last week's episode of Amazing Race while writing this blog.  That's self-care, right??

Sorry for so much rambling.  Here's the real reason people should read my blog -- a picture of my adorable kids!