Someone asked me the other day if I was still blogging about my transition from an Associate Dean of Students to a Stay-At-Home-Mom. No, I haven't been, mostly because that transition has been intertwined with my husband losing his job, and I've needed to deal with those thoughts and emotions privately. But after she said that, I started to think more about my "former life" and how I actually DO still use my Master's degree and other transferrable skills from my 12 years working in higher education.
I'm writing this post because it was encouraging to think about how my career may have changed drastically, but the education and experiences I've had have better prepared me for this current role as Mommy. But I'm also hoping that this post will speak to at least one young woman out there, who is wondering if it is "worth it" to pursue advanced degrees and career opportunities, knowing that someday she may give it all up to stay home with her kids. Because IT IS. So, here we go...ten ways that I still use my MAHE (Master of Arts in Higher Education) as a SAHM (Stay-At-Home-Mom).
1. Mental health crises don't just happen on college campuses. As an Associate Dean, I worked closely with our counseling department and walked alongside many students struggling with depression, eating disorders, same sex attraction, self harm, addictions and other mental health issues. And guess what? People still struggle with those same issues after college, too. I am thankful that I have had so much exposure to real pain because when I have had close friends also face these challenges, I am not scared away and I can offer hope and encouragement in their dark and scary times.
2. Stick to the rules and have tough skin. I'll admit it -- I'm a people pleaser. So I HATE when I make people mad, which was difficult both as an Associate Dean and now as a mom. But I have learned that it is important to stick to the rules I have set, even when they're somewhat arbitrary...I don't know why open halls close at 11:00 PM and I don't know why you have to eat three more bites of your dinner, but those are the rules and I need to enforce them. And while I really hated reading frustrated opinion articles in the school newspaper or getting nasty emails from students, it has helped me to have tougher skin and not take criticism so personally -- like when the dinner I spent an hour preparing has been thrown on the floor.
3. Wholistic programming is important in all stages of development. It was important to me that my staff provided a variety of programs for their students to be involved in -- RAs were required to plan at least one social, one educational and one spiritual program each semester. And even though I don't make myself fill out those beloved Program Summary Sheets, I do think through the activities my son and daughter are involved in and the way we spend our time each week. We have play dates with friends (social), play rhyming games (educational) and read our Jesus Storybook Bible (spiritual). I know how important it is to be intentional with the activities I do with my kids -- even if it's just doing the grocery shopping and sharing words that start with the letter B as in "banana."
4. Make lots of lists, then prioritize. I always had a running "to do" list when I was an Associate Dean and that habit has carried over into my mom life. It might seem like a trivial thing to even mention, but I did learn a lot as an Associate Dean about being realistic with my expectations for myself and what I can accomplish (your to do list for the day shouldn't ever be more than what can fit on a post-it note), and knowing when and how to get the things done that need to be done. I also have learned the importance of using my time wisely -- whether blocking off an afternoon to work on a Board report or folding laundry during naptime. My staff knew some of my favorite words were "intentional" and "proactive" -- which I still think is important when setting up my SAHM routine.
5. It's important to find quality products, even when on a tight budget. Working with residence halls made me familiar to the term "deferred maintenance," a fancy way of saying, "putting off projects until we have more money." Unfortunately, money seems to always be tight (both for Christian colleges and for SAHM families), so it's important to find quality products that won't break down in a year. I did a lot of research on lobby furniture, bunk beds, dressers, etc. to find products that could handle the wear and tear of rough college students. Now, I am still looking for ways to get the most bang for my buck -- shopping consignment sales for kids' clothes (and knowing which brand names to stay away from), switching to Aldi brands for the majority of our food, but also knowing how wise it is to splurge on the "good" paper towels from Walmart. These are important decisions that keep our family budget in the black each month.
6. Grumpy parents love their children and don't usually mean to take it out on you. I worked with parents of college students A LOT -- more each year, in fact. They would call me about everything from their son's roommate not cleaning his dishes in their apartment to asking for extensions on a quiz their daughter was supposed to take. And they always expected me to fix their problems immediately. In my new role, unfortunately, I find that I am the grumpy parent! It's really difficult to let my two-year-old drink from a cup without a lid, knowing that she's just going to make a mess that I will have to clean up. Many parents of college students aren't sure when to let their kids handle their problems and when it's just easier to do it themselves -- and because I worked with so many overly protected students, I have learned how important it is to teach my kids how to be independent, even when it's easier for me to just do things for them.
7. Confront sin and discipline out of love. As I said earlier, I'm a people pleaser, but my many years of Residence Life experience has forced me to be more comfortable with confrontation. Because I really do believe in the bigger picture -- confrontation is hard and scary, but when you have the ultimate good in mind for that student or for your friend, you do what you have to do. The same is true with discipline. I learned that when I was in a discipline meeting with a female student who had been sexually active, it's okay for her to see my eyes well up with tears as I talked to her. And it's okay for me to send my son to his room for hitting his sister, but then go in a few minutes later and give him a big hug, reminding him that even when he does something wrong, I still love him.
8. Grace, grace, grace. I firmly believe in setting boundaries and enforcing them, both with college students and toddlers/young children. But in every situation, I pray that I can see the heart behind the actions. When my daughter was born, there were times when my son was extra "naughty," and I know he was just trying to get my attention. We didn't let him get away with things he wasn't supposed to be doing, but I also recognized when it was time for me to cuddle with only him and give him some needed one-on-one attention.
9. Just because I can't see it, doesn't mean good things aren't happening. One of the most difficult aspects of being an Associate Dean was to love, disciple, invest in and walk with students during their college years, only to have them graduate and move on, with only Facebook statuses and Instagram posts as glimpses into their lives. As I'm now out of the higher education community, I have found myself wondering even more what kind of impact I had on people and why I even bothered investing so much, when there's nothing to "show" for it. I like things to be tangible and concrete, lists that I can check off and goals that I can see I've accomplished. But my daily efforts around the house and with my children have intangible results as well -- no matter how hard I work, my kids will still fight over toys, there will always be more dishes to do, and I will never be completely caught up on housework. Proverbs 31 says that "her children arise and call her blessed," but that doesn't happen around here! But as I learned in my "former life," I just need to be faithful in what God has called me to do, and trust that He is working in my students' and my children's lives, even when I can't see the whole picture.
10. "Because we loved you so much, we were delighted to share with you not only the gospel of God, but our lives as well, because you had become so dear to us" (I Thessalonians 2:8). This was my life verse while I was working in Student Development -- I loved college students so much that not only did I want to share the gospel with them, but I wanted to share my life with them as well. Just recently it hit me how this verse was applicable to my role as a SAHM, too. I love my kids so much that I want to share my life with them -- I quit my job to stay home with them, I spend almost every waking (and sometimes sleeping) moment with them, and their lives ARE my life. I do this because I want to invest in them, develop them, grow them to be the man and woman after God's own heart that I pray they will be. And as I learned from my education and experience in higher education, there is no substitute for true life-on-life relational ministry. So my kids will see me when I'm crying and having a bad day, they will see me put something back on the shelf because we don't have the money to buy that right now, they will see me reading my Bible in the mornings, they will hear me talking to my best friend or my sister on the phone, they will see me laughing and smiling as we play hide-and-seek and they will nestle down next to me and cuddle with me while watching another episode of Curious George.
Would I have done all these things as a mom, even if I didn't have a MA in Higher Education and 12 years of Student Development experience? Maybe. But did my MAHE and time as a college professional help shape me to be who I am today? Definitely. So even if I'm not directly using my degree right now, I don't regret that investment at all. I'm a better person because of the education and experiences I had earlier in life, and I'm a better mommy for it, too.
