mid-life crisis of identity

Sorry I've been MIA for the past couple of months.  And it's sad that I haven't posted more, since we've had so many great things going on:

• celebrating Ash's third birthday (super cool rocket ship theme)
• Kennedy turning seven, eight and (today) nine months and now crawling, climbing and cruising
• earning a promotion with Pampered Chef and going to Denver for a conference
• celebrating my 35th and Greg's 39th birthdays
• and just overall recording of all kinds of cuteness that the kids are saying and doing these days (for example, when I told Ash yesterday to stop playing with his wee-wee, he said, "But I need to play with my wee-wee, Mommy.  It's big!")

And I have all kinds of pictures that I should have been putting up on here at some point, too.  But as I'm trying to keep up with the kids, the house and my PC business, blogging has fallen lower on my priority list.  Until tonight. :)  I've had this post simmering in my mind for a few weeks now, and I'm finally taking the opportunity of a quiet house late at night to write it out.

So here's the thing.  I feel like I'm having to start my life completely over these days, and I find myself really questioning where I find my identity.  The last time I felt this way was back in 2008, when my identity really did change, as I went from being a Gosselink to being a Ford.  I was 30 and getting married for the first time, and it rocked my "strongindependentsinglewoman" world.  But because I married a man who loved me for being strong and independent, and because my job and my friends and everything still stayed the same, the transition wasn't that difficult and I thankfully still enjoy my new identity as a Ford.  (Signing my name is SO MUCH easier!)

But in the past 6-9 months or so, I have gone through many more life transitions.  I have gone from having one kid to having two kids -- not as easy as it might sound.  I have gone from working a more-than-full-time job to being a stay-at-home mom.  I used to do Pampered Chef as a part-time job/hobby, but now I have a full team and a growing business to maintain.  I no longer work in higher education, the career that I had built over 12 years.  I don't see my friends every day anymore.  And we've even been checking out other churches lately, too.

I had one of my "whatintheworldishappeningtome" moments when I was at the national leadership conference for Pampered Chef in Denver.  I was travelling with some awesome women who had been to these conferences many times over the past 10 or so years.  They knew all the ins and outs ("make sure you're last in line here, because..." and "they usually give this away then") and they knew all of the "big name" people in the business.  And I had this moment of crisis...what was I doing at a freakin Pampered Chef conference?!?  I had been going to the ACSD conference for 12 years and I was the one who knew all of the ins and outs, I knew the big named people and I was actually building MY career and people knew ME at those conferences!  And now, where am I?  Starting all over again, going to my first PC conference and starting a completely different career.  Identity shock #1.

And I know that I blogged about friendships changing before, but as more time has passed, I just have to say that making new friends as an adult really sucks.  I understand that things have changed, but I miss having friends who already know me and love me.  I really do like the new friends that I'm making, but they don't know me yet.  I'm starting completely over with my friendships, and while these new friends are getting to know me, we're not at a point where we can support each other on a deeper, personal level.  And most of them already have their support systems and friendships in place -- I'm someone new that is trying to fit into their already established lives.  So during this transition time of finding new friends and trying to get to a point of depth and support, I'm lonely.  Identity shock #2.

And I'm learning what it means to really be a full-time mom.  The biggest challenge with that right now is with Kennedy, who ONLY wants to be with me all. of. the. time.  She screams and cries and gets big red welts on her face if I'm gone for more than 15 minutes.  And we've done everything the way we were "supposed" to -- we introduced the bottle around 6 weeks (which she took fine until 5 months), I've left her home with Daddy 1-2 times a week, and I even went away for three full days/nights last month.  But it's getting worse with her, so much that I've decided that unless I'm going to a show and I honestly cannot take her with me, then I'll just take her everywhere I go or sit things out until she's over this phase.  So remember when I used to be a strongindependentsinglewoman?  Or even a capableindependentworkingmom?  Yeah, now I find myself more tied down than I've ever been in my life.  Identity shock #3.

I could go on and on about the different identity shocks I've been feeling, but the bottom line is, they don't matter!  Because THANK THE LORD, my identity is NOT found in my career, my friendships, my independence, my children or anything else of this world.  I am a child of God, and He MADE me and He LOVES me and that will NEVEREVEREVER change.  (And my husband!  I love that through all of the transitions that I'm going through and we will both go through, Greg will always be with me as my best friend and partner in life.)

As I think about this mid-life crisis of identity I'm going through, the best analogy I can think of is that I'm like a tree.  I used to have long branches with beautiful leaves on them, leaves that brought me attention and affirmation, comfort and confidence.  But those leaves have been falling quickly around me, and I feel very naked and exposed without them.  I know that I'm still the same tree, but I look and feel very different.  It's not comfortable yet, but I know that my roots are firm in the foundation of Christ, and new leaves will eventually grow into place.  (Okay, that turned out to be MUCH cheesier than I meant for it to be.  But you get the point.)

Sigh.  I really don't like having to restart my life as a 35-year-old.  But I am thankful for the neverchanging love and presence of the Lord and my husband, and for the way I am becoming more and more comfortable with this new identity of mine.  Or at least I'm trying. :)