retirement and Grandpa's visit

Friday, May 18 was my last day working at Covenant College and the end of my 12-year career in higher education.  Thursday, May 24 was my dad's last day working at Principal Financial Group and the end of his 34-year role as an actuary in that company.  It's been fun going through this transition with him -- we've had conversations about where we find our identities, what we're going to do with our extra time and what we think we've accomplished in our careers.

But as I think about my dad and the work that he has done for the past 34 years, I am most impressed by the intangible effects that he has had on so many lives.  There were opportunities he could have taken that would have led to higher promotions for him, yet he very adamantly kept his working hours so that he could come home at nights and coach his four daughters and their many different sports teams.  He worked a job that made enough money so my mom could stay home with us when we were younger.  And he knew us and was involved in our lives.  Long road trips for volleyball tournaments and hanging out in between softball games gave us plenty of time to talk, and I saw my dad as more than just my coach or my dad, but as one of my best friends. 

Dad retired on Thursday, then got in his car early Saturday morning and took the 13+ hour drive down to visit us for a few days.  While it's so much fun when the entire Gosselink family can get together, Ash definitely thrives more in smaller groups, and it was obvious how much he loved playing with Grandpa!  We picked fresh strawberries from a farm, played outside and just enjoyed being together.  Here are some pictures from Grandpa's visit and a (sideways) video that you DEFINITELY need to watch. :)

Ash "helping" Grandpa play games on his Kindle Fire.

Eating breakfast together

My adorable strawberry pickers

Playing basketball

"More, Grandpa!  More!"

Big smiles for Grandpa

Grandpa was such a good sport, putting up with Ash's ideas for fun!

Happy baby girl with her grandpa

 Thanks for coming, Grandpa!  We love you!!

an irreplaceable calling

Well, I'm officially no longer an employee of Covenant College.  I had a really good last week of work, although it was busier than I expected it to be.  In April, I spent more time going through papers and deleting files and e-mails, but this past week, I had big projects to be working on, like new student housing and finishing a training manual for my replacement.  April was more of a nostalgic and emotional week (I think I cried at some point every day), but last week was so busy that I didn't have time to feel sad until Friday.

But, yeah, it was a good week.  I feel great about the work I finished and where I left things for my replacement (who I think is going to be awesome, by the way).  And I feel very much at peace about my decision to quit and stay home with my kids.  It's like the morning of June 14, 2008.  There haven't been too many times in my life when I knew for sure that God was speaking to me, but on that day, I knew without a single doubt that the one thing that God wanted me to do that day was to marry Greg Ford.  It was an awesome feeling, knowing that the biggest moment of my life was by far the easiest decision I had ever made.

I felt that same peace on Friday.  I loved the fellowship, community and spiritual growth I experienced at Covenant, but I really do not have any problems walking away, since I am thrilled to stay home with the kids.  At my farewell reception on Friday morning, the college chaplain said something to me that made my eyes well up with tears and still gets to me as I've thought about it all weekend.  He said that in his lifetime, he's had many different jobs, positions and callings.  But in all of them, he has always been replaced.  Sure, people were sad to see him go from his pastoral role in Pennsylvania, but they found someone to replace him just a few months later.  But, he said, there is one calling in his life where he can never be replaced -- being a dad to his children.  If anything ever happened to him, no one else could ever fill that void in their lives.  He told me he thought it was very admirable that I would now be devoting the majority of my time to my most important calling, where I could never be replaced.

I've taken two maternity leaves while an employee at Covenant, so I humbly realized that as important as I thought I was, the College was actually still able to survive in my absence. :)  And while I believe that I was called to serve as the Associate Dean at Covenant for all these years, I'm even more confident that I'm called to be Ash and Kennedy's mommy.  And I am so, so, so thankful that I'll be able to be home with them every day, loving them and developing them and serving them and pointing them to Christ.  It is the one calling in my life that only I can fulfill, and I am more than happy to do so!

self-care vs. laziness

I'm not sure who reads this blog, so people out there may or may not know that I went through a period of depression shortly after Ash was born.  It wasn't exactly postpartum depression, since it didn't start until Ash was around six months old, but it lasted until last fall (so about a year and a half, I guess).  I took Zoloft during this time and saw a counselor and my doctor regularly.  It was a dark and scary time in my life, but I am so incredibly blessed that the Lord brought me to a point of healing and I continue to do well these days.

In my counseling sessions, though, we pinpointed that one of my key struggles was making self-care a priority.  I felt such responsibility to the others around me -- I didn't want to let down my husband, my son, my boss, my RD staff, my friends, my students and of course my God.  My counselor helped me realize that I was taking on too much responsibility for other people's lives, wanting to make everybody happy all the time, and I needed to learn healthy boundaries and take better care of myself.

While I don't struggle with depression anymore, I do find myself fighting these same battles.  A friend and I are reading Boundaries by Cloud and Townsend right now, and I also read an article in Real Simple about women and time (which, ironically, was from the April issue -- I'm trying to catch up, since the June issue came in the mail this week!).  In the Real Simple article, they showed that some women make free time a priority, while other women use free time as a reward, after finishing other things from their to do lists.  The article said that statistically, the women who made free time a priority, even if they had other tasks waiting for them, were happier and healthier, while the latter were more likely to be stressed and unhappy.

But this is a very difficult thing for me.  I wish that I could make free time/self-care a priority, but I often feel lazy or selfish doing so.  Why should I put my needs above others' needs?  It doesn't feel like the Christian thing to do.  I know in my head that taking care of myself will help me take care of others, but I tend to push myself just a little more and more before I "need" to take the time to myself (aka on the verge of a meltdown).  I want to love my family self-sacrificially, which makes it difficult to find time to make self-care a priority.

Since I had just read Boundaries and the Real Simple article, I decided to try to do something for myself on Monday.  It might not seem like much, but I was going to take my time in the shower that morning.  Kennedy was asleep in her crib and Ash was watching TV in my bed.  I even took him to the potty before getting in the shower, to give myself a little more time in the shower.  Well, to make a long story short...Ash came to tell me that he had pooped in his underwear, and when he tried to "help" me by taking off his shorts and underwear, there was poop everywhere.  Everywhere.  And since I had to jump out of the shower so quickly, I was trying to clean it all up in just a towel.  What a mess!  I finally got him all cleaned up and went to get dressed and dry my hair...only to come back and find him peeing on the bathroom floor, jumping up and down in it and saying, "I splash, Mommy!"

So I'm still not convinced that self-care is worth it.  I could have taken a super quick shower and avoided that entire disaster.  Or maybe I just need to find other ways to take care of myself.  Both kids have been down for a nap for a couple of hours now, and after making dinner, putting away the groceries from this morning and picking up the living room, I'm avoiding the dishes and instead I'm watching last week's episode of Amazing Race while writing this blog.  That's self-care, right??

Sorry for so much rambling.  Here's the real reason people should read my blog -- a picture of my adorable kids!

one of those days

I texted Greg earlier today and said that HIS kids were driving me crazy today!!  I don't know what happened, but Ash has been ridiculously hyper all day, and Kennedy has been fussy unless I'm holding her.  It's my own fault, really, for being too ambitious when writing out my to do list this morning.  And then did I really think to myself that the kids would calm down if we got out of the house for a little bit and did the grocery shopping?  I should have known better!  Ash wouldn't sit in the shopping cart, so I had to keep wrangling him in as he would "help" find things that he thought we needed.  Kennedy usually sleeps through grocery shopping, but of course not today, so I was constantly putting her paci back in her mouth.  I'm shocked that I remembered to get everything on my grocery list (and that I didn't add "bottle of wine" to the list and start drinking it by aisle #3).

Later, when I was nursing Kennedy, Ash was eating quietly in the kitchen.  Or so I thought.  He had oh so creatively put his straw into his applesauce, spilling it onto his leg, which he was trying to lick off with his tongue.  After cleaning him off and refilling his lunch plate, I heard him take his go-gurt tube and fly it through the air, saying, "Super Yogurt!  Blast off!"  I found a nice blue spot on the chair where Super Yogurt must have "landed." 

But here's the thing...my kids are happy.  The reason Kennedy is fussy is because whenever I try to feed her, she doesn't eat enough.  All she wants to do is stare at me and smile and laugh.  How awesome is it that she finds such delight in just looking at me?  And it's not like Ash is being deliberately disobedient.  I love that he's a vibrant, creative and energetic little boy who sometimes gets distracted because he's having so much fun.

And there was a moment this afternoon when I was changing Kennedy's diaper, with Ash crawling on my back, while texting with a Pampered Chef client and entering her order into my laptop.  Seriously, I was doing all these things at one time.  And in the midst of the chaos, I felt a peace, knowing that this might have been "one of those days," but I was doing it.

make new friends, but keep the old...

One of the reasons I started this blog was to give myself an outlet for processing all of the changes in my life (because I'm an external processor and my husband, bless his heart, is NOT).  So this post might end up being just a bunch of jumbled thoughts, so forgive me for thinking "out loud."

When I was working my next-to-last-week at Covenant a couple of weeks ago, I expected certain things to be difficult--cleaning out my files, going to my last chapel, etc.  But I didn't expect to feel so sad about leaving my friends Julie and Janet.  It was a very, very busy week for them, and I found myself on the outside, not in the loop with them on the daily activities in the Student Development world, and being much more of an observer when I knew they were overwhelmed and exhausted.  It was difficult to know that I couldn't do anything to help them (and, honestly, my departure was actually giving them more work)...but it was even more difficult to get a glimpse into the future, knowing our relationships would be changing.  They are and will always be two of my best friends, but so much of our friendship was based on seeing each other every day.  I'm sure we'll get together when we can and we'll e-mail regularly and they do such a good job of trying to keep me included...but I know that things will change, and there's not much we can do about it.  I've always been pretty good about transitioning in my friendships over the years, but I already really miss Janet and Julie in my everyday life.

But then there are the blessings of new friends and rekindled old friends.  Now that I'm less busy during the day, I've been able to talk to my sister Sarah much more often than I could before.  (It helps that she's living in the same country now, too!)  And I feel a deeper connection with Ang, my best friend and another stay-at-home mom.  I love having Sarah and Ang so much more in my life these days.  And then there's Rachel, a woman who lives a street over from me, has a two-year-old little boy (Ash's new BFF), married to a sarcastic husband (Greg's new BFF), and who also just quit her job in January to be a SAHM...definitely a blessing from the Lord!  We've enjoyed nightly walks with our families, dinners at each other's houses and plenty of playdates for the boys, and now we're talking about reading/discussing a book together.  I would be so lonely without having Rachel as a friend--it's amazing how the Lord provides.

We're also in the process of changing churches.  When we were at Silverdale, we didn't get involved in a small group or Sunday school class, but since I was so involved at Covenant, I didn't feel like I was lacking Christian fellowship.  Now that I'm at home and out of the Covenant community, I find myself wanting to join every Bible study and small group suggested to me.  Not so much for Greg, though, and we're still trying to find the balance of introvert/extravert needs in a marriage. :)  I know two things, though.  First, I need to be growing in my spiritual walk, and I typically do that best through Christian community.  But second, I also know that I have a tendency to overcommit and get too involved in too many activities.  It's not just about me anymore, as my activities affect the time I have with my husband and children.  So I've decided to take my time and really pray about small groups, Sunday school classes, book clubs, nursery duty and other regular commitments before I sign up.  I know that I will need to be involved in something somewhere--it's how I'm wired.  But before jumping in and then realizing I'm in too deep, I need to spend more time praying about where God wants to use me, my time and my energy.

I think it would be easy to be lonely as a stay-at-home mom, and honestly, there have been times in the past few months (okay, days) where I've cried because I've felt alone in this transition.  But when I take a step back and look at the friends who God has placed in my life (even those who physically live farther away), I know that I'm extremely blessed.  He alone is sufficient, but I praise Him for His provisions of fellowship as well.

beautiful baby

Potty Training Boot Camp

So Ash had been doing fairly well with potty training in Novemberish.  (And by that, I mean he would still wear a diaper all day/night, but when we would make him sit on the potty right when he woke up, etc., then he would go.)  But then the holidays and company and Kennedy's birth all put that way down on the priority list.

Well, I finally hit a wall where I realized that I was being lazy and Ash was being stubborn. I declared yesterday as the day for Potty Training Boot Camp. We stayed home and changed him into big boy underwear.

I made some Crystal Light (a fun drink he usually doesn't get) and put it in a cup with one of those "silly straws."  He started drinking like crazy, and I would ask him every 5-10 minutes if he had to go potty.  Well, actually, I didn't ask him if he had to go, I just told him we were going. :)

We had a couple of accidents where he started to go in his underwear, but as soon as he did, he told me and I ran him into the bathroom.  Every time he went on the potty, he got a "gummy"--leftover Easter candy, which I kept in a glass bowl in the bathroom.

So at some point, it really just seemed to click with him!  I decided to not ask him if he had to go, but just watch him...and sure enough, he would look at me and just say with a worried look, "Mommy??"  Lots of encouragement and lots of cheering, and he was in love with his potty and big boy underwear (which he even brought with him for his naptime, since I kept him in a diaper then).  He even got to the point where he would want Rosco or Kennedy to come in and watch him. :)

Last night, when he was going to bed, he said he had to go potty again, and I told him he could go in his diaper, but he didn't want to.  I figure that was a good sign.  Then today, he was outside with Daddy (diaper on) and told him when he had to go potty...and again a little later, he told Daddy and came inside and went #2 on the potty!  We haven't had an accident since yesterday morning, which is awesome.  I'm sure we'll have setbacks along the way, but we are WAY far ahead of where we were just two days ago.  Yea Ash!!